I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize