Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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