i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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