you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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