If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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