I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
