Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
