cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
