Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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