i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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