we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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