If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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