you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I am naked and annoyed.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
