i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
