Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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