She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
