I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I want to fling myself into the sun
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
