it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
