I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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