Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
