I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
