Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
