What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize