I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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