In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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