I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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