Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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