I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
