I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
