dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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