someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
