I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
