I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
