This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
