Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
