Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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