I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
