Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
