you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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