whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
