How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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