Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
