I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
