Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
