so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize