Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
