batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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