we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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