you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize