This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
