I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
