just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize