If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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