I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
