Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
