Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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