I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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