you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
