YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize