I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize