So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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