Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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